PART A- The Struggle…

2020 & 2021 were the years I decided to unlearn certain habits which I had previously considered acceptable.

Growing up, I had a lot of people telling me indirectly what I should do, think and even like. I hypocritically went with their flow, because I was afraid to lose these relationships.

For example, that friend that gave you the silent treatment until you agreed with their point of view, OR the Nigerian Uncle or Aunty that refused to give you ‘biscuit’ or even talk to you because you had a differing opinion from theirs, OR even that friend that wouldn’t invite you to their birthday party because you refused to snub someone they didn’t like! The list is endless!

I found myself trying to make people happy at the expense of my own inner happiness and freedom in order to gain their acceptance.

However, what I did not realize was that:

1. These relationships were formed based on a false perception of who I was. These people only ‘accepted and liked’ me when I did their biddings! The person they liked and accepted was not really who I was!
2. I was literally Esau (Jacob’s Twin Brother) Version 2.0- exchanging my identity for a false sense of approval!

PART B- The Light at the End of the Tunnel…

Have you gone out of your way to help someone even when it was inconvenient, and after the hustle and sweat, they still felt you should have done more?! Yup! That happened to me! 

Although this matter was familiar, (A typical day in the life of a People Pleaser. LOL) this incident was different! It was the last straw for me, it helped me recognize that-

Even if I broke a leg to please someone, chances are they’ll probably ask why I didn’t break the second leg if they stood to benefit greatly!

I decided that I could either go through life trying to please people’s insatiable appetites OR be unapologetically myself and walk freely in God’s purpose for my life! I chose the latter!

Through the help of the Holy Spirit, reading the Bible and resources like ‘When Pleasing You is Killing Me By Les Carter, I’m slowly getting out of the cycle. 

Also, a daily reminder of my rights and freedom highlighted by Eric Garner in his E-book Assertiveness gave me some sort of ‘ginger’ that my opinions and feelings are as valid as anyone else’s. Here it is-

Your Bill of Rights:

1. You have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable, and equal human being.
2. You have the right to express your feelings.
3. You have the right to express your own opinions and values.
4. You have the right to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ for yourself.
5. You have the right to make mistakes without feeling worthless.
6. You have the right to change your mind.
7. You have the right to say you don’t understand.
8. You have the right to ask for what you want.
9. You have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems.

Your Five Freedoms:

1. You have the freedom to see and hear what is here and now, rather than comply with others’ distortions of what was, will be or ‘should’ be- and be safe to share it.
2. You have the freedom to think what you think rather than what you ‘should’ think- and be safe to share it.
3. You have the freedom to feel what you feel, rather than what you ‘should’ feel- and be safe to share it.
4. You have the freedom to want and to choose what you want rather than what you ‘should’ want- and be safe to share it.
5. You have the freedom to imagine your own self-actualization rather than playing a rigid role or always playing it safe-and be safe to share it.

P.S Pray to God to show you what he considers right, not yours or others’ sometimes flawed perception of what should or should not be.

PART C- My Hope for You…

Hunnie! Are you trying to please others to create a false sense of harmony? Imagine what could happen if you are true to yourself and assertively voice out your opinions! And if doing this causes them to leave you or treat you differently?

At least you’ll have space for more healthy relationships!

I believe that by the Grace of God and with the help of the Holy Spirit, you can start the journey to living a more authentic life! The question is Do you?

God Bless you Tremendously

Akhere

Photos:pexels.com