Ironically, as an introvert, one thing I cannot dispute is that we all need to interact with people at some points in our lives. These people could be family, friends, co-workers or even lovers!
Yes, some people will rub you off the wrong way and sometimes they don’t! Other times, some leave scars that could serve as a guide to approach other relationships!
Through my encounter with various individuals in my thirty plus years of life, here are some red flags I’ve observed that have caused me to re-evaluate certain relationships. These red flags do not apply to only intimate relationships but also to family, friends and co-workers.
I’m hoping that as you read these, you do not point fingers at someone but self-evaluate and ask yourself if you exhibit any of these characteristics with the people in your life.
1. Gossiping
I’m not gonna lie, I love gist! But if your relationship with someone is just based on spreading rumors, talking behind people’s backs, defaming one’s character or bringing people down. Then something is seriously wrong. Odds are, this person is probably gossiping behind your back too!
2. Lack of Accountability
We all make mistakes, no one’s perfect. However, if you discover that someone is consistently not accepting responsibility for their role in any situation, something is wrong!
The common theme you’ll observe with such people is that it’s always someone else’s fault and when it’s clearly obvious they were in the wrong, they make up an excuse or say a very non-emotive ‘sorry’.
3.Gaslighting
Often times, if someone cannot take responsibility for their role in a situation, there is a likelihood that they’ll tell you that it didn’t happen or it didn’t happen the way you remembered it. These people will try to distort your reality and make you question what you believe is true.
If you’re like me, you’ll probably try to excuse this behaviour by saying ‘maybe they forgot’.. but if this is consistent. RUN!
4.Consistent Lying
I don’t think this one needs any further explanation. One of my values is honesty, so if someone I consider close is deliberately not telling me the truth, omitting information to build a certain narrative, or speaking falsely about someone or a situation consistently, how can I trust that you can speak the truth?
5.Triangulation
This one is difficult to identify. This is when someone intentionally introduces a third party into the relationship to create a sense of competition, jealousy or insecurity.
An example is: If your boyfriend asks you to hang out and you wanted to study, and you said you couldn’t. If his response was- ‘Well, my ex would have hung out with me’. He is triangulating you!
Other signs of triangulation are you’re being asked to choose a side on a particular issue or pressured to choose who is right during a conflict.
This sign shows up in different ways especially in parent-child relationships, so I encourage you to read up on it!
6.Consistent Criticism AKA Bad Belle
If you have someone who consistently undermines any idea you bring forward that’s an enemy of progress! This person constantly tells you the negative of anything you bring up.
An example is:
You: Hey Friend X, I think want to get this dress, it will look nice on my body type.
Friend X: It’s a nice dress, but your shoulders are too broad and you’ll look ugly in it.
Don’t get me wrong, we don’t want a friend that’s afraid to tell us the truth! But if this friend is consistently berating you and making you question yourself, there is something wrong!
7.One-sided Relationship
If you realize that you are the only one checking up on someone, visiting someone, sharing information with someone or paying for meals when you hang out. That person is not your friend/boyfriend but a free loader. You deserve someone that will prioritize a relationship with you!
8.Competition
These people don’t share their plans with you, but they ask you about yours, not because they care but because they want to out-do you.
If you shared a good idea, they don’t tell you it’s a good one, they waive it off as basic to make you question yourself, but they copy that idea anyway! If you buy a 2024 car, they buy the 2025 model because they just want to do better than you! If you have 2 kids, they want 3 because in their heads, they should be doing better than you!
This is not normal!
9.Mismatched Values
As time goes on and people grow older, what you considered important may start to change and that’s normal. This just means that your friendship will be different and should evolve and that works sometimes.
But! If for example I don’t want to be a night club trooper anymore and my friend still wants to be and is not respecting my new priorities, then that’s not normal! You are allowed to change without someone making you feel bad about it!
10.Conditional Love
If someone only shows up for you when you do what they want, please RUN. That’s not love but slavery.
Often times it’s something unspoken like, if you don’t do what I want, I will punish you with the silent treatment or by being passive aggressive until you agree with me or do what I want.
This could happen after you have communicated your boundaries to someone and they’re not happy with it. Instead of working out a new way that works for both parties, this person will withdraw (to punish you) and will only be good with you again when you retract the conditions you have expressed.
“The only people who get upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them.”
Do you have any experience with any of these signs? Did you have a light bulb moment while listening/reading this post? Please comment below so I know I’m not alone. LOL!
Thank you for listening/reading!
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Akhere
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