Personally, I’ve always seen conflict as negative, maybe because I’ve seen it lead to full blown physical fight and exchange of hurtful words. So, I’ve always retreated when I realize a conversation was leading to conflict.

Recently, I was re-reading Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and I was introduced to another perspective of conflict that blew my mind! – “Conflict is Normal!”

Wait What?!

The authors emphasized that conflict simply means that “two things come together that are opposed to each other and do not immediately agree. The fun part is working it through.”

This was very insightful because this meant that disagreeing wasn’t the problem but the manner in which a disagreement was handled could potentially be the problem.

So how do you resolve conflict to ensure it doesn’t lead to a full-blown fist fight?

1. Observe: Someone in the relationship notices the issue and sees it as a conflict.
2. Confront: Speak honestly and kindly with each other in love as you speak about the issue.
3. Ownership, Grief and Apology:
   1. “If you’re the problem or part of it- own it
   2. If you have been hurt- own your hurt and communicate it
   3. If you’re the one hurting- confess and apologize
   4. If you’re the wounded party-forgive and express your hurt”.
4. Repent: Repent when you see the role you played.
5. Re-examination: After you’ve ensured you’re involved in the change process, get a check up from an accountability partner.

Please note that in resolving conflict, you both need to be open to receiving the truth, not defensive when feedback is shared and be self-aware.

You also need to ensure that you use the basic rules of communication to gain effective results. What are they? I’ll share them in my next post!

Thanks for reading.

Akhere